It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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