Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She needs sedatives and a leash
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
