I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
