I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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