i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so let's talk penis.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
