I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
