I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
