remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
