Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
