I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
