Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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