ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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