the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
