Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
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If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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