I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
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The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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