I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
