So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
this beer tastes like vomit already
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
