I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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