so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Watching her eat just hurts me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
