I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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