I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
