he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
