I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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