Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
