The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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