It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
