How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
