only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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