I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I want to be your penis for a week.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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