i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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