I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
are you so shy because you have an std?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
