You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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