There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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