I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
