you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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