i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
