It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
