I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
