4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
