..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
