Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
