Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
