just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
