someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize