our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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