Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
