dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
