I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
