I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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