Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
