the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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