I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
