You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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