its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like abortions should bother me more
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
