JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
