Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
