good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
